Job said, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the Name of the Lord."
The beginning of my journal this morning went like this, "Lord, I repent once again for failing to allow your Great Love to comfort me, and thus disabling myself from praising you."
When one turns to other things for a long period of time other than God to fulfill the desires of the heart, it becomes quite difficult to learn how to sit with God. I sense that God has brought me to a point in my walk where he is asking me the same question as he has in times past, but at a different crossroads, a more serious juncture.
I now see that when my experience/existence in life becomes imbalanced, I have had no way of regaining it: Emotions, thinking, behavior. One of these balloons and I tend to allow it to overcome/rule my life. Typically, this leads me to behaviors that I think will relieve the tension caused because one or more of these areas are imbalanced/ballooned.
What is the option? It seems that I must learn how to find God/connect with/sit with the Lord in the in the midst of these stringent times. Ultimately, when I praise him and thank him during these times, I tell anyone of these different experiences, "I will out last you, until you are gone, because you are only temporary."
And, I must remember that learning this comes in small increments. What will I say no too? Is there anything on any level that I will "sit with God" during its presence, while I feel these imbalances pushing me one way or the other? Spending? Eating? Reading? Talking? Working? Sexual pleasure? etc.
Not all of these hit at once, and not all hit like a Mac truck all the time. So, I must learn to see where I am experiencing them in small ways and work WITH THE FATHER, there in that place of pain, incrementally, building up to a place where I can say with Job, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the Name of the Lord." Where I can sit with the three men in the fire because I refuse to bow down, knowing that something like a Son of Man is there with me!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Mentors
I feel that I am rushing. I love that this is MY blog. I can back up or go forward, but for any one who might follow this some day, I thought it might be good to go back an locate the point where I became convinced that Scripture is the sole authority for the Church, and the anchor for her soul.
I am so thankful to the man who taught me that Scripture was the final say. I remember before I came to Ulysses Kansas, I spent a good bit of time with Mark Johnson. He is a member of the Church of Christ and at the time I met him, he was the director of the Amarillo Bible Chair. He taught Bible classes for college credit, and as I mentioned in a previous post, I was working with a Bible Church and decided that I needed to ‘learn the Bible!’ So, I enrolled in ‘Life of Paul’.
As the class progressed, we came to Saul’s experience/conversion on the road to Damascus. When Mark handed out the test, he asked the question, “When was Saul converted?” I was always told that he was converted on the road before his baptism. Yet, I knew that would be the wrong answer!! So, I went to see the professor and asked him about the doctrine of baptism. It would be another two years as I argued and scrapped and debated with him and myself, before I finally said that Saul became Paul after he “arose and was baptized.”
It was not just about baptism, however. It was the conviction that Scripture had to make some/many of the decisions for me in my life. I had to learn to submit my heart to what I believed the text said. That was the bigger lesson that Mark taught me. Subsequently, I was baptized into Christ (Romans 6:1-4) and became a member of a great fellowship!
I would like to believe that during all the trial and tribulation I have shared on this blog so far and more that will follow, I have been determined to stay immersed in Scripture. That, in the end, the Bible has a way of meeting needs if the follower of Jesus is convinced enough and determined enough to “take God at his Word.” Of course sometimes (often times) that means we must engage deeply in existential issues not just doctrinal issues, like baptism. I have been engaged in a study of Job for over a year now engaging Job for the purpose of personal healing. But, the point is, that I went to Job as opposed to other “books” (although I read many other books) because I believed that Scripture, could and would have the final say in my healing. The trick is to engage the Bible, not talk about the Bible.
So, for now, I must leave with this post reflecting mostly about Scripture, and not some of the issues I wanted to engage, but I intend to get there.
Shame: I can’t wait to write on my blog about the dialogue that I have had internally about 12 step recovery and shame. 12 step recovery taught me the importance of confession. Shame taught me the importance issues of child hood origin.
But, since I mentioned one mentor, I feel like mentioning all of them. So, do not be surprised if I don’t end up talking about Tim Joe, my first mentor who taught me discipline. He preceded the work Mark Johnson did in teaching me the importance of honoring Scripture. Tim Joe taught me the importance of self discipline.
But, I promise, there are only SO many mentors. I have a total of five to date. I will probably have to write about all four, because without them, I might not be a Christian, probably not married, I would not be a minister, and certainly not at the Oxford Church of Christ.
grace and peace,
Lendy
I am so thankful to the man who taught me that Scripture was the final say. I remember before I came to Ulysses Kansas, I spent a good bit of time with Mark Johnson. He is a member of the Church of Christ and at the time I met him, he was the director of the Amarillo Bible Chair. He taught Bible classes for college credit, and as I mentioned in a previous post, I was working with a Bible Church and decided that I needed to ‘learn the Bible!’ So, I enrolled in ‘Life of Paul’.
As the class progressed, we came to Saul’s experience/conversion on the road to Damascus. When Mark handed out the test, he asked the question, “When was Saul converted?” I was always told that he was converted on the road before his baptism. Yet, I knew that would be the wrong answer!! So, I went to see the professor and asked him about the doctrine of baptism. It would be another two years as I argued and scrapped and debated with him and myself, before I finally said that Saul became Paul after he “arose and was baptized.”
It was not just about baptism, however. It was the conviction that Scripture had to make some/many of the decisions for me in my life. I had to learn to submit my heart to what I believed the text said. That was the bigger lesson that Mark taught me. Subsequently, I was baptized into Christ (Romans 6:1-4) and became a member of a great fellowship!
I would like to believe that during all the trial and tribulation I have shared on this blog so far and more that will follow, I have been determined to stay immersed in Scripture. That, in the end, the Bible has a way of meeting needs if the follower of Jesus is convinced enough and determined enough to “take God at his Word.” Of course sometimes (often times) that means we must engage deeply in existential issues not just doctrinal issues, like baptism. I have been engaged in a study of Job for over a year now engaging Job for the purpose of personal healing. But, the point is, that I went to Job as opposed to other “books” (although I read many other books) because I believed that Scripture, could and would have the final say in my healing. The trick is to engage the Bible, not talk about the Bible.
So, for now, I must leave with this post reflecting mostly about Scripture, and not some of the issues I wanted to engage, but I intend to get there.
Shame: I can’t wait to write on my blog about the dialogue that I have had internally about 12 step recovery and shame. 12 step recovery taught me the importance of confession. Shame taught me the importance issues of child hood origin.
But, since I mentioned one mentor, I feel like mentioning all of them. So, do not be surprised if I don’t end up talking about Tim Joe, my first mentor who taught me discipline. He preceded the work Mark Johnson did in teaching me the importance of honoring Scripture. Tim Joe taught me the importance of self discipline.
But, I promise, there are only SO many mentors. I have a total of five to date. I will probably have to write about all four, because without them, I might not be a Christian, probably not married, I would not be a minister, and certainly not at the Oxford Church of Christ.
grace and peace,
Lendy
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Recovery
My mom and dad divorced when I was 11. I had no idea that my dad could drink that much alcohol! He was devastated after the divorce and returned to a lifestyle that he lived before be met my mother, one that included heavy bouts of drinking. Only this time he was not a local thriving musician, rather he was a hurting carpenter who had just been asked to leave a home he lived in for over 11 years. But from my perspective, he was angry, mean and simply drank too much.
I learned to drink myself at a young age. I had my first drink when I was 11 years old. I drank three wine coolers as fast as I could. I thought I had come to life. It was by far the best feeling I had ever experienced, and I had been to Wonderland Amusement Park a number of times, which should have been the pinnacle of excitement at that age!!
I drank through high school. I drank through college. When I was in my younger twenties I became involved in a Bible Church. I even drank during those short years too. As a matter of fact one of the most embarrassing events in my life came one night in a TGIF Friday’s. I was sitting a bar stool and one of the girlfriends of a youth member who worked at that restaurant, came around the corner to see me pulling back on a Jack and Coke. I repented. I went to her home and to the home of the young teenage boy and apologized. This was a turning point. After all, I was enjoying working with teenagers, and the drinking only became a hassle. How does one do youth ministry and keep a second lifestyle of drinking and carousing at the same time. You can’t.
Shortly after these events, I met a man in the Church of Christ who baptized me into Christ for the forgiveness of my sins, and I left the Bible Church. Shortly after that, due to good ole fashion “Fear of the LORD”, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I figured that Jesus said, “If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast away.” I could not quit drinking, and I knew that Scripture does not make any bones about an unwillingness to stop getting drunk. And, I just wanted God to see my willingness. I had no idea that it would actually WORK!! Nevertheless, the passage from Matthew, while it is referring to lust, was my proof text (!) for going to AA. I also, figured that my dad made meetings for nine months during one season (I was actually living with him-this was after the divorce), and it was the most peaceful loving season of our lives together as father and son. So, I figured, there must be something to AA. I joined. I quit drinking (and taking pain pills for that matter, immediately).
Meagan and I stayed in Amarillo for a couple of years and moved to Ulysses Kansas. I stayed in AA doing exactly what I was told in each place. I worked the steps, I got a sponsor, and until I could figure out the problem of shame, I would have to admit that without recovery, I would have surely destroyed my family. I owe much to the program.
After a couple of years, my family moved to Oxford Mississippi so I could finish my M-Div. I continued to make meetings and practice the program well into second year. Nothing changed in regards to my understanding of the program. I got a sponsor and we worked the steps. I was proud. I had, by the time I moved to Oxford, worked the steps in three steps, with three sponsors, in three different states!!! I was a good stepper. Then, my good friend, Warren Baldwin let me have a book written by John Bradshaw, “Healing the Shame that Binds You.” And, things began to change. I found a new well for development that was just as vital to my existence and growth.
More about shame and how I came to understand it later.
grace and peace,
Lendy
I learned to drink myself at a young age. I had my first drink when I was 11 years old. I drank three wine coolers as fast as I could. I thought I had come to life. It was by far the best feeling I had ever experienced, and I had been to Wonderland Amusement Park a number of times, which should have been the pinnacle of excitement at that age!!
I drank through high school. I drank through college. When I was in my younger twenties I became involved in a Bible Church. I even drank during those short years too. As a matter of fact one of the most embarrassing events in my life came one night in a TGIF Friday’s. I was sitting a bar stool and one of the girlfriends of a youth member who worked at that restaurant, came around the corner to see me pulling back on a Jack and Coke. I repented. I went to her home and to the home of the young teenage boy and apologized. This was a turning point. After all, I was enjoying working with teenagers, and the drinking only became a hassle. How does one do youth ministry and keep a second lifestyle of drinking and carousing at the same time. You can’t.
Shortly after these events, I met a man in the Church of Christ who baptized me into Christ for the forgiveness of my sins, and I left the Bible Church. Shortly after that, due to good ole fashion “Fear of the LORD”, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I figured that Jesus said, “If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast away.” I could not quit drinking, and I knew that Scripture does not make any bones about an unwillingness to stop getting drunk. And, I just wanted God to see my willingness. I had no idea that it would actually WORK!! Nevertheless, the passage from Matthew, while it is referring to lust, was my proof text (!) for going to AA. I also, figured that my dad made meetings for nine months during one season (I was actually living with him-this was after the divorce), and it was the most peaceful loving season of our lives together as father and son. So, I figured, there must be something to AA. I joined. I quit drinking (and taking pain pills for that matter, immediately).
Meagan and I stayed in Amarillo for a couple of years and moved to Ulysses Kansas. I stayed in AA doing exactly what I was told in each place. I worked the steps, I got a sponsor, and until I could figure out the problem of shame, I would have to admit that without recovery, I would have surely destroyed my family. I owe much to the program.
After a couple of years, my family moved to Oxford Mississippi so I could finish my M-Div. I continued to make meetings and practice the program well into second year. Nothing changed in regards to my understanding of the program. I got a sponsor and we worked the steps. I was proud. I had, by the time I moved to Oxford, worked the steps in three steps, with three sponsors, in three different states!!! I was a good stepper. Then, my good friend, Warren Baldwin let me have a book written by John Bradshaw, “Healing the Shame that Binds You.” And, things began to change. I found a new well for development that was just as vital to my existence and growth.
More about shame and how I came to understand it later.
grace and peace,
Lendy
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Spiritual Journey
Well, I suppose that I should have named the blog, “Spiritual Healing,” because that is what much of my early Christian life and ministry has involved, healing. I was walking down the hall with one of my professors at a preaching seminar recently, and I told him that sometimes even I sit back and say, “WOW” when it comes to the healing God has brought into my life, and into the life of my family.
Perhaps, my blog, at least in these earlier phases, can serve as testimonial reference, if you will. When you need to reference how the narrative of the gospel has gathered up the narrative of a broken, chaotic, and tumultuous life, and given it hope, then my blog can be of use to you.
As a minister I serve out of who I am right now, and I suppose I always will. God is endless, and I will always need growth. My story and my ministry are in close relationship. This is not to say that I do not engage in serious studies of Scripture (as much as I am trained and capable of doing); it is only to say that my study and reflection are taking place within my story where it is right now. I cannot help it.
Thus, I am preaching through Job on Sunday mornings!! And, this is only my second sermon series!
My desire for now in blogging is that if any one chooses to read my blog, he or she can relate and connect in some way. Maybe you will relate to the pain as I share it. Maybe you will relate to the strife that comes from broken families. Maybe you will relate to the journey back to Christ. That is what the coolest!! The struggle of what it means to try and be a good father and husband when, emotionally, you have nothing to give to your children (at least that is the way it felt for so long), and yet watching as God gives you grace for the day. Maybe you can relate to the unquestionable need for mentoring in order to be navigated out of the jungle of shame and ignorance. Maybe, and I sure hope you can relate with this one, maybe you can relate to the victory, and the hope because of the resurrection. Victory only comes in glimpses, but it comes, and it only the work of Christ that makes it true victory. At the same time I have learned too that hope is experienced by NEVER EVER giving up!! I am trying day by day to Let God’s grace teach me one day at a time to say no to ungodliness (Titus 3:5).
Surely “we are all the same uniquely” as a recovery sponsor told me one time. I think what he meant was that, we all have the same needs, but those needs are flowing through different people. I want healing. Hopefully, you want healing too. Thus, I hope we can learn more and more together, how to process our stories with the narrative of the gospel, and be transformed into the image of Christ. Having identical stories is not what matters. What matters is whether or not the pain is being transformed into healing and joy. What matters is having a willing spirit to engage God, crying out for something better than shame and guilt.
Next time I would love to share my understanding of recovery. Why I went into recovery, and what good things came from it, yet where "recovery" in what is now the traditional understanding of it in America is limited.
grace and peace,
Lendy
Perhaps, my blog, at least in these earlier phases, can serve as testimonial reference, if you will. When you need to reference how the narrative of the gospel has gathered up the narrative of a broken, chaotic, and tumultuous life, and given it hope, then my blog can be of use to you.
As a minister I serve out of who I am right now, and I suppose I always will. God is endless, and I will always need growth. My story and my ministry are in close relationship. This is not to say that I do not engage in serious studies of Scripture (as much as I am trained and capable of doing); it is only to say that my study and reflection are taking place within my story where it is right now. I cannot help it.
Thus, I am preaching through Job on Sunday mornings!! And, this is only my second sermon series!
My desire for now in blogging is that if any one chooses to read my blog, he or she can relate and connect in some way. Maybe you will relate to the pain as I share it. Maybe you will relate to the strife that comes from broken families. Maybe you will relate to the journey back to Christ. That is what the coolest!! The struggle of what it means to try and be a good father and husband when, emotionally, you have nothing to give to your children (at least that is the way it felt for so long), and yet watching as God gives you grace for the day. Maybe you can relate to the unquestionable need for mentoring in order to be navigated out of the jungle of shame and ignorance. Maybe, and I sure hope you can relate with this one, maybe you can relate to the victory, and the hope because of the resurrection. Victory only comes in glimpses, but it comes, and it only the work of Christ that makes it true victory. At the same time I have learned too that hope is experienced by NEVER EVER giving up!! I am trying day by day to Let God’s grace teach me one day at a time to say no to ungodliness (Titus 3:5).
Surely “we are all the same uniquely” as a recovery sponsor told me one time. I think what he meant was that, we all have the same needs, but those needs are flowing through different people. I want healing. Hopefully, you want healing too. Thus, I hope we can learn more and more together, how to process our stories with the narrative of the gospel, and be transformed into the image of Christ. Having identical stories is not what matters. What matters is whether or not the pain is being transformed into healing and joy. What matters is having a willing spirit to engage God, crying out for something better than shame and guilt.
Next time I would love to share my understanding of recovery. Why I went into recovery, and what good things came from it, yet where "recovery" in what is now the traditional understanding of it in America is limited.
grace and peace,
Lendy
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